Hey, squids! Welcome to Season 2, Episode 5. “This Is the Best Time of Your Life & Other Lies – The Back to School Episode”

This generation’s teens are forced to navigate a gauntlet of lies and unvoiced questions just to survive. Many of these lies come from the adults who care about you, because we think it’s helpful, but it isn’t. So let’s get ready to deliver some truth. Here we go. 

My adult kids are out on their own now, which means that my bathrooms stay clean. Yay! But I miss their faces desperately. Mostly, I miss the feeling of being a part of their day to day. Back in middle school and high school, we’d talk for hours. They’d share what was happening in their lives. I miss hanging out and laughing at something stupid, usually stupid… listening to music. I miss watching them grow in tiny increments. I guess I just miss them. 

Now, here’s what I don’t miss. My husband who is an amazing father and was right there with me, pound for pound, at every one of the kids’ events, everything that was important and out of overwhelming love for these children, he would constantly just blurt out at random times, “oh, this is the best time of your life”. 

And the first time he said it, it hit me wrong. Like a single musical note just off key, throwing off the whole composition. Later after he’d said it again. This is the best time of your life. 

I asked him Why? Why? Why do you think that’s true? And he said, “Well, because this is the last time in their lives when they’re free, they don’t have full time jobs or a spouse or children to worry over. They don’t have a mortgage to pay for any other responsibilities.” 

Okay. I guess that kind of makes a twisted kind of sense. So I asked him, “Are you trying to say the best your life can get is a life without a job, without a spouse, no children, no house, and no responsibilities?” 

I get that he was trying to remind them to take advantage of the fun stuff –  the dances, parties, bonfires, whatever social things, but I’m not sure it landed how he expected. And he’s not the only one. I’ve heard loads of other adults say that too. It usually whips my head around when I hear it. 

So let’s investigate this thing. 

Is this actually the best time of your life? No, it is not.
As good or average or bad as you think your life is going now, I can promise you it’s going to get so much better.  When kids hear that: “this is the best time of your life”, I can imagine they must think, “Wait, this? This? Is this as good as it gets? This is the best? If this is the best, then what happens next?” 

Generally speaking, the larger the age of the person who makes that statement, the less they understand the reality of your life. And let’s not get sassy about it, Okay Boomer? Okay embryos. 

It’s not because they’re old. It’s because there’s no way to compare. There’s no common language to compare their experience of being a teen to yours. It isn’t even like comparing apples to oranges. It’s more like comparing apples to a pile of shaved monkey hair. There’s no common ground to build on, but the fact that they don’t get is actually an opportunity. 

Maybe it would help if I explain to all the potential Boomers listening, what’s actually going on. Feel free to send this to, like your Aunt Marjorie (the one with the mole). All right, here it goes. 

Hey, older adults listening to this podcast. You may have been directed by a young adult in your life to listen to this:  

So can you please, please, please stop using the following phrase when speaking with young adults. This one that you love to say. “Oh sweetheart, this is the best time of your life.” Stop saying that. Why? Why should you stop? 

Because your “born before 1975 teen experience” bears nearly zero resemblance to today’s teens experience. What you remember no longer exists. A more laid back life filled with pep rallies than dances. Practically living in your friend’s basement, hanging out at the mall for hours, going to the movies when there was far less stress about getting into or even paying for college. And while it’s true that high school students don’t have full time jobs like most adults, let’s hope at least, their reality is still way more complex. School has become a 9 to 5 job in addition to all the stuff we did have like homework and maybe some other part time job or whatever. They have a bunch of extra stuff we never had. 

A constant and crushing wave of unprecedented pressure, a never ending series of pinging notifications ping, ping, ping, ping, pong, ping on their phones, a hamster wheel of social media drama, a constant loop of standardized testing, sports clubs, plus family commitments …

and having to ask…. (and here’s something you didn’t have to do Boomers)  – having to ask questions of what it means to be a human being because of AI and other technologies that are happening right now. 

Young adults are socially isolated and spend way too many hours scrolling through social media. Many put even more pressure on themselves to look and perform like photoshopped athletes and celebrities. They’re trying to figure out how to get rich because that’s all that matters on Instagram. They want to get into the perfect college, find the perfect romantic partner, and all the while, they’re being judged and weighed and valued and graded by a small handful of people who do matter and thousands of people who don’t matter.

In the meantime, our old-timey teen experience feels like it came from a different planet. And trust me, you wouldn’t survive a single day if you Freaky Friday’d yourself into this generation.

 

If I had to go back and relive it all, I would still choose my chaotic childhood over what this generation is forced to deal with on like, an average Tuesday. 

Let’s analyze this a little further, at this perception that teens have it easier comparatively to adults. And look, don’t send me emails. I get that it depends on the particular teen, the particular adult. Obviously there are teens who have to contribute financially for their family survival. I was one of those. Then there are the adults who don’t really contribute anything, anywhere, ever. I’m related to a couple of those. I’m not talking about the extremes, about people who live in poverty or on the other side… in wealth. Let’s focus on the average teen and the average working adult. 

So, average teen…. “This is the best time of your life”   How easy and best is your life right now? 

Here’s the first reason why being a teenager now is harder than ever before. 

Your generation is under more pressure than any generation in human history. That’s a fact. 

Now, if you’re a teen who doesn’t feel immense pressure coming at you from all corners, I’m happy for you. Truly, just know that you’re in the minority and kiss your parents. Better yet, lick them right across the forehead. Parents love when you do that. They’re doing a great job and should get a big, fat, wet smack. 

But these pressures that most kids feel, seem to fly right at your head from every angle. 

Your generation has more social pressure, academic pressure, financial pressure, athletic pressure, sexual pressure than any generation ever. 

Here’s one example of how your generation is facing pressures which literally never existed before in human experience.
For you current 11th and 12th graders who are looking towards eventual future employment at some point. What impact is I going to have on the careers that you’re considering? I don’t know, it beats me. Will  accountancy even exist if I can reproduce the same work in like two seconds? How about financial analysis or computer engineering? About architecture? How about CAD? How about? How about? How about for the first time in history, young adults, you have to consider that your chosen career could just –  poof –  just disappear by the time you’re done with school. 

Here’s the second reason why being a teenager now is harder than ever before. Your generation has the highest and still rising rate of loneliness in human history. And by the way, feeling lonely is completely normal. Everybody, including me, has periods in which they feel lonely. Loneliness creeps into happy romantic relationships. Even when you have a great job and things are going well, this is normal. Human beings are social animals. Like wolves. Like, actually. That’s not a joke. We need our pack. 

And look, I am the captain of the S.S. introvert. I can attest to the fact that even I know that without human interaction we get weird. We do. People need people. Loneliness is an intentional reaction by the brain that’s meant to, prod you into acting. So the feeling of loneliness is just your brain reminding you to get with your pack. This does not, however, mean that the next time you feel lonely, that you should make new friends on the Lonely Randos Looking for Hugs server on Discord. Don’t. That’s a bad idea. You can almost hear the moist, can’t you? 

So occasional or situational, loneliness is normal and the solution sounds simple. Just reconnect with people in real life. That sounds easy enough, but it can prove to be exceptionally difficult. 

And here’s what we know. Like statistically… (NOTE: In a 30 day month, there are 720 hours.) 

Social isolation is increasing dramatically 

• In 2003, on average, people spent around 142.5 socially isolated. 
• In 2019, the amount of hours spent in social isolation rose to 154.5 hours per month

Now, even more interestingly, 

(among 15 to 24 year olds, specifically) In-real-life social engagement is decreasing dramatically 

• In 2003, on average, teens spent approximately 75 hours per month engaged socially with friends in real life 
• In 2020, that number dropped to 20 hours per month

That’s a huge difference. While increased isolation and decrease in real life social engagement impacts all age groups, the changes are significantly larger among 15 to 24 year olds. In fact, senior citizens like your grandparents, have historically been the loneliest age group. Which makes sense because once the kids leave (and grandkids never call their grandparents enough, call your grandma)… it makes sense then, that they’re not “in company” as much. So it makes sense that they would be the loneliest. 

But now, currently, the loneliest segment of society is 15 to 24 year olds, which is bonkers and begs the question, if social media was meant to connect us, and the rates of social media use among teens and young adults reaches over the 95% mark, then why are teens lonelier than ever? 

And the science tells us that individuals who use social media for more than two hours a day have double the odds of reporting an increased sense of isolation compared to those who use social media for less than 30 minutes a day. 

And I could give you the data from dozens of other studies, but the results are pretty much the same. 

So what happens when the loneliness isn’t occasional and you feel it a lot, or kind of all the time, for weeks and months on end? First of all, ask for help. 

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If you’re feeling overwhelmed by your feelings of loneliness – or for ANY other reason – please reach out to one of these organizations  – there are people interested in hearing from you. Do it right now. 

• In the US – just call or text a message to 988

• In the UK – call 116-123 

• In Australia – call 131-1141

But social isolation and loneliness among teens increases the risk of, not surprising, depression anxiety. But there’s also physical health outcomes. This is crazy. Social isolation and loneliness have the same risk of premature death as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. And in the US, social isolation/loneliness is a bigger health concern than smoking, diabetes and obesity. So if you are consistently socially isolated and lonely, it’s pretty much the same as cutting your life shorter as it would be if you were smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Think about that. 

Then, to top it all off, most people, teens included, are probably not going to admit to feeling lonely, not even to their loved ones. Most people who feel it think it’s just them, that they’re the only loser who feels this way. So for once and for all, listen to what I’m telling you. 

Everyone feels lonely. You’re not a loser. It’s normal. It happens to me all the time. So talk about it with the people closest to you. The more we talk about it, the more normal it becomes to talk about it. 

Here’s the third reason why being a teenager now is harder than ever before. Something called the “Attention Economy” has skewed the way that just capitalism works. What is the Attention Economy? Traditionally, in the old timey days, the more money you made, the more attention you got. And that’s still somewhat true. Like, you know, certain tech CEOs that rent out all of Venice. I can’t even talk about it without wanting to throw up. Anyway… 

But now in the attention economy, it’s upside down. It’s flipped. The more attention you get –  like likes, followers, whatever –  the more money you make. So creating an Instagram account may be free, but you’re still paying with your attention. (I mean, you’re also paying with your, diminished mental health, but we’ll leave that for now.) Every time your eyeballs see an advertisement, Instagram gets paid. This means that 

For the first time in history, human attention can be converted directly into currency 

It’s not surprising, then, that being an influencer is viewed as an easy peasy way to become wealthy. And it’s neither easy nor peasy.  Influencers spend hours and hours and hours and hours in social isolation to create content in which they appear to be deliriously happy. So that’s awesome. 

But here’s the important bit. Self-esteem. 

How you feel about yourself can only come from yourself. It makes no difference what your feed says, no matter how many likes and followers you shovel into the pit. Your self-esteem can only come from inside you and from you. You can’t feed your self-esteem from what other people think. 

But meanwhile, on the outside, society says something completely different.  As the adults in charge, we’ve allowed this revolting scenario to take root in which economies are moved by how much attention you can attract. Is it any wonder why so many teens, unconsciously, without even realizing it, look to social media for proof of their self value? Proof that they matter? That they exist? That somebody sees them? 

If attention is valued, then it’s not such a leap to assume that my value as a person can also be calculated like currency from my likes and followers. 

So let’s revisit the “Is this is the best time of your life” 

Absolutely not! The human brain continues to develop until you’re around 27 years old. As you get older, you naturally gain more clarity on what matters and what doesn’t. That’s just going to come.  Once you move into a full time job, and yes, the pressure of being graded is swapped with the pressure of work performance, but it’s still a different thing. Your individuality has more space to grow. You’ll find places where you fit in. You’ll find your tribe. And yes, for God’s sake, you’ll also find romantic love. Relax. 

That’s not to say that being an adult is easy. It’s not. But you’ll know more and you’ll be fine. Seriously, I promise you. 

Okay, I want to leave you with this thought for teens listening. 

I know how much pressure you’re under, and I know that some days are easier than others. So listen closely and replay this every morning before you go to school if you need to. 

You do not need to become anything. 

You’re enough as you are right now. 

The more you rely on your feed for proof that you matter in this world, the more unhappy you will become and your feelings of loneliness and social isolation will increase. 

Everybody around you feels lonely and disconnected sometimes, it’s not just you. 

You have something to add to this world. At a minimum, be kinder than you need to be. 

Especially now, the world needs you in particular. We cannot do this without you. 

I’ve created a bunch of free downloads just for you! go to www.bigmamashousepodcast.com  just find the page associated with this episode and you can grab them.  Why not? They’re free. 

If there’s something we covered in this episode  that you wish you could talk about with a friend or family member. Just send them the link and use me as your icebreaker – because not EVERYONE thinks the word moist is as hilarious as I do. 

If you have a comment or have something to add, you can email us at info@BigMama’sHousePodcast.com 

Well, that’s it for today. 

Thanks for listening and remember: Eat way more dirt and avoid those moist dudes in basements.